Scottish man
A Scottish woman comes home to find her husband w*nking into a Wellington; she shouts at him:
"Stop fooking a-boot."

The seven dwarves
The Seven Dwarves went to the Vatican so that Dopey could ask the pope a question. Dopey approached the Pope, 'Are there any midget nuns in Italy, any at all?' The Pope thought about this for a moment, 'No, I don't believe they are.'
Dopey looked concerned for a minute before asking again, 'Are their any midget nuns in Europe?' The Pope again said that there weren't.
Dopey (getting very worried) then asked, 'Are there any in the whole world, there's got to be one!' The Pope shook his head after careful thought. All of a sudden the other six dwarves burst out laughing. 'Whats so funny! boomed the Pope. 'Dopey has just shagged a Penguin!' replied the dwarves.

New name for Viagra
In 2007 Viagra will be under a new technical name; please ask your pharmacist for 'mycoxaflopen' .

Sperm bank
How do you cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Phone them up and tell them you cant cum.

A firm dressing down
A woman calls her husband into the bedroom. "Now Mike, I want you to take off my blouse!"
"Good.."
"Now I also want you to take off my Bra."
"Good..."
"Now can you take off my panties."
"Very Good! Now, don't let me catch you wearing them again!"

Pitbull
Two guys are walking down the street, They come across a pitbull licking his nuts. One guy says to the other, "Man I wish I could do that". His friend replies...
"You better ask him first, he looks pretty mean!"

What's slimy cold long and smells like pork
Kermit the frogs finger

If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get layed off?

What is invisable and smells like carrots?
Rabbit farts.

A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and finds a stranger fucking his wife. He says, "What the hell are you two doing?" His wife turns to the stranger and says, "I told you he was stupid."

Q. What's the best thing about a blow job?
A. Ten minutes of silence!

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound-up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered,
"Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!"
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a nice, tight butt!"

Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love?

A: "Honey, I'm home."

An elderly couple met for a romp in the broom closet at the nursing home. They undressed and were about to screw, The woman decided to warn the man of her heart condition.
"I should tell you, I have acute angina" she said.
The man replied, "thats good because you have the ugliest breasts I ever seen!"

The Devil walks into a crowded bar. Within seconds the bar emptied with people running out screaming all over the place, all except for one old boy leant over the bar.
The Devil wanders across to the old boy and says "Do you know how I am?"
The old man took another sip of his beer and answered "Yep"
The Devil stared at the old man and asked "Well aren't you afraid?"
The old boy looks the Devil up and down for a minute and shrugs "nah, I've been married to your sister for 40 years. Why the hell should I be scared of you?"

A ventriloquist walked up to an Indian and said "I'll bet I can make your horse talk."
Indian: "Horse no talk"
Ventriloquist: "Sure watch this. Hi horse. How does you master treat you?"
Horse: "Oh, he is good to me. He gives me food, water and he keeps me out of the sun."
Ventriloquist: "I'll bet I can make you dog talk."
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Ventriloquist: "Sure watch this. Dog, how are you? Does your master treat you good?"
Dog: "Oh! He treats me good. He gives me food, water and he plays ball with me."
Ventriloquist: "I'll bet I can make your sheep talk."
Indian: "Sheep Lie! Sheep Lie!"